Blind Love
writing as "Glitter"
© 2002
I can’t believe I’m going to prison.
Damn, I was trying not to think about it. But it’s not like you can really ignore it as you’re on the
bus, driving on the highway, chained to someone you don’t even know. I kept looking out the
window, staring at all the cars, trucks, and mini-vans, wondering where all those people were going. It
was Saturday; so probably shopping, vacation, or maybe a road trip to see family in another state.
Who knew? They had many possibilities. As for this bus, everyone who saw it knew where it was
going.
My eyes caught a black Cadillac SUV, and I was immediately reminded of Dre. She loved her Caddy
almost as much as she loved me. Or how much she claimed to love me.
No, no, no. Don’t go there, I told myself. Dre loved me…I knew she did. No matter how rough this
shit gets, I had to hold onto that. Because in the end, she was who I was coming home to.
Whenever I was going to be able to come home.
“You think that Andrea cares about you?” The detective had asked me again and again when they had
me in the interrogation room the day I got arrested. “She’s going to let you take the fall for this,
Astoria. You are going to go to jail and she’s getting away with it, and she’ll take up with someone
else.”
I had just sat there silent, smoking my fifth cigarette in an hour, my heart pounding in my chest, but
on the outside I looked calm as ever.
“Don’t be stupid, Astoria. Look at what you’re facing. Up to fifteen years in prison. And the state is
definitely going to ask for the max. Are you really going to let Andrea make you take the fall for this?
And don’t say that she isn’t in on this, because we know she is. I know she put you up to this. She’s
not going to rescue you, Astoria. She’ll let you take the fall and run. And you’ll be facing all this
alone. You are going to have to stop this yourself.”
Still silent. I just puffed away, my eyes trying to picture Dre’s face. Dre’s comforting, warm, beautiful
face. God, I needed her right now.
“You are a fool if you don’t admit it. You’re going to throw your life away for someone who won’t even
remember who you are this time next month. I hear you have a wonderful career ahead of you. You
spent years working on making a life for yourself. And you’re just going to throw it all away.” He
suddenly slammed his fist on the table, making me jump in my seat. “Dammit, Astoria! Admit that
Andrea Walker was the head of this. We know that you couldn’t have pulled this whole thing by
yourself. Only Andrea could have done this. Why don’t you just admit it?”
I had finally turned and looked him straight in the eye. “I was alone on this. No one was in on this,
but me. Andrea didn’t even know about it.”
His eyes clouded over in anger and he stood up. “You’re going to go down for a crime she
committed. I hope whatever you had with her was worth it, Astoria. Because your future is gone, and
so is she.”
Lies, all lies. Dre wouldn’t leave me. Not like this. She had promised to take care of me. And I
believed her. With all my heart.
But it’s hard to believe much when all you can think of is a tall, nerdy-looking white man, reading a
piece of paper and saying, “guilty”, and knowing that your fate is sealed. The first thing I had done
was turn around in my seat and looked at my mother’s horrified face. She belted out a wrenching cry
and we immediately reached for each other.
“Just talk, baby.” She said quickly. “Please. I know you didn’t do this. This isn’t you. Don’t go to
jail, just talk. It can’t be worth it, please.”
But with tears in my eyes, I just squeezed her hand and got to my feet as the bailiff came for me,
handcuffs ready. The last thing I saw, as they took me away, was my mother laying her head on my
father’s shoulder, crying so hard her whole body shook. Not cool. You never want to be the reason
your mother cries like that. But I had no choice; I had to keep stay silent. But that moment would
always haunt me.
I watched as the bus finally left the highway, taking an exit that lead to a dirt road. After about ten
minutes, the building came into view. The first thing I saw was the metal fence that surrounded the
entire building. About forty feet tall with barbed wire on the top. And that’s when I broke. That’s
when the tears came down and I realized this was going to be my new home. My freedom was truly
gone.
Countless times I wondered how I got myself in this mess. Throughout the entire trial I silently
wondered in my seat, trying to pinpoint the exact time I had decided everything that I had worked for
didn’t matter to me anymore. A year ago, I was happy, graduating college with a BA in fashion design,
and I was the apple of my parents’ eyes. But a year ago, I didn’t realize what true love could feel like.
And as soon as love hit me…all hell broke loose.
Love is blind. It took me a while to truly understand that phrase. I think everyone understands it to
some degree, but until you’re actually in love, full realization and understanding doesn’t hit you yet. I
think I kind of laughed at it, like most people do. Come on, love is a beautiful thing. I could always
see myself falling so deeply in love that I would practically do anything for the person I loved. But
never, in my life, did I think I would fall as hard as I did. Have the urge to protect someone so much.
When you realize that nothing matters more to you than the safe, well being of that person. That
taking risks don’t matter to you anymore. I fell. I fell so hard that I got so blind to what love was
costing me.
*** *** *** ***
It was my senior year at college, and I was partying like a madwoman. Graduation was less than a
month away, and I only had to worry about finals that I knew would be a breeze, and my week
vacation in Jamaica that my parents were sending me on. I had already landed a job as an assistant
illustrator for a prestigious fashion house. My dorm roommate and best friend, Anya, and I had
already paid and signed the lease for our new apartment that would be waiting for us when we came
back from Jamaica. Life was pie as far as I was concerned. All I was thinking of was celebrating.
Friday night, Anya and I were getting dressed for the club, when she suddenly groaned aloud.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as I swiftly lined my eyes in purple.
“I’m out of trees.” She said. “Do you have any?”
I shook my head. “I thought you had gotten some more?”
“Ran out. Fuck, I wanted to smoke before we go to the club.” She searched her bag. “All I got are
woods. We’re gonna have to make a stop ok? Let me call one of my peeps.”
Finished with my make-up, I stood back and looked in the mirror and smiled. I had bought a new
outfit, black hip-hugging jeans, a metallic purple corset, and matching purple, heeled boots. My long,
light brown braids were pulled back into a loose ponytail, and I wore an array of purple and silver
bangles on my arms. I turned to see my profile, and my big ass jumped out, loud and proud. I was
voluptuous, with no shame in my game. I loved being thick and would always be. If you were going to
hold me, you were going to definitely feel me.
“Damn, girl, that outfit’s hot.” Anya said as she came up behind me. She was dressed in a red lace
cat suit, and you could see the black short panty and bra set she wore underneath. Her short black
hair was adorned with glittered hair clips, and she had lined her eyes so they had a cat-like look.
“Thank you. You too.” I smiled, making one more touch up to my lip-gloss.
“We gotta stop at Danny’s.” She said. “He got some. You got twenty dollars?”
I nodded. “I always got money for weed, girl.”
It was almost eleven o’clock, so we finished up quickly and ran out of the room to Anya’s car. Anya
grew up a couple of neighbourhoods away, so she knew the area like the back of her hand, and we
were flying. In less than ten minutes, we pulled up in front of a brownstone, and Anya stepped out.
“Five minutes or less.” She promised then she disappeared inside.
I pulled down the visor to check my lipstick in the vanity mirror, before I lit a cigarette. When I flipped
the visor back, a black SUV pulled up in front of Anya’s car. The driver side opened, and someone
dressed in all black stepped out. Whoever it was, wore a hoodie that was over his head, with a
baseball cap that was pulled down so low I couldn’t see his eyes, and his head was lowered. All I could
see was his full-lipped mouth.
I forced myself to look away, reminding myself to never pay attention to anything during situations like
these. You never know who’s going to notice that you saw them, and you never wanted to be a
witness to anything. The best rule to live by was to just mind your own business.
But for some reason I looked up, just in time to see that he was looking straight at me, through a pair
of sunglasses.
Unfair. He could see me, but I couldn’t see him. But in a quick glance of his body, I realized that he
wasn’t a he after all. Tall with a shapely body that you could see, regardless of how baggy the clothes
were. He was a she.
She suddenly smirked, then turned to walk inside the brownstone. I caught myself biting my bottom
lip. If only she didn’t have the sunglasses on, I could have gotten a decent look at her face. But I
knew that I liked what I saw, so far. Something about that smile got to me.
A couple of minutes later, Anya stepped outside and got into the car. “Danny is having some kind of
party. We got invited—-and I would have said yes, cuz sometimes Danny’s parties can outdo the club,
you know what I mean? But then the crowd just got kinda hot, so I said nah.”
“What do you mean? Who was there?” I asked. Someone had to be pretty bad for Anya to turn
down a party if they were present.
She just shook her head as she started the car. “People you don’t want to fuck with, that’s all.” And
I knew that mean to leave it at that.
We had a great night at the club, opting to go to one of the few gay clubs in the area. Since I was gay
and Anya was straight, we would usually split the club scene down the middle. We’d alternate nights
between straight and gay clubs, but when it came down to it, we were going for the music and to just
bug out. Both of us were single and had no one to answer to, so we’d have as much fun as possible.
Whenever we went to a straight club, I danced with guys as well. No harm in just dancing---but I was
always honest when I realized they were getting a bit too attached. And the same went for Anya, who
always managed to land the finest women whenever she went to a gay club. Like me, she was always
honest, but even she admitted that she liked her studs, saying that was her only temptation to
bisexuality. Like tonight, for instance; I was at the bar, ordering a Vanilla Stoli with coke, when I
spotted Anya near the centre of the dance floor, grinding her ass on a cute stud, who was wearing all
red as well. Anya sure wasn’t acting straight now, as she looked back at the girl she was dancing with,
holding the girl’s hands on her hips as she gyrated.
I shook my head, laughing to myself as I took my drink back to where I was standing earlier.
“ ‘Sup, Shorty?”
I turned and faced a person dressed in all black, and I realized it was the same girl with the SUV from
Danny’s. She had pushed the hood and hat off her head, revealing a long oval face, cute button nose,
and round cheeks. Her blondish-brown hair was in micro cornrows, and fell down to her waist.
“Hello.” I answered, ready to turn back around. My heart was pounding in my chest.
“Didn’t think I’d luck out and see you again.” She said.
“What do you mean?” I asked, opting to play dumb instead. Sorry, but I stuck by my rules.
“I know you saw me.” She lowered her sunglasses, and my pounding heart literally froze. She had the
most amazing eyes I had ever seen. Slanted eyes, but such a strong, clear brown that they seemed
to see right through you. “It ain’t no big deal, but I kinda liked what I saw, that’s all.”
“Just kinda?” I asked, wondering why I suddenly felt my hands getting clammy.
This time, she took the sunglasses fully off and slipped them into her pocket. Up close, she was about
five feet nine, maybe ten. Under her clothes, she had a somewhat thick or muscular body, but she
had shape; you could see she was big-breasted and thick in the hips.
“Well, you never know if you fully like something unless you get to try it.” She said boldly. “Feel like
dancing?”
As if I was on automatic, I nodded and let her take my hand as she led me to the overcrowded dance
floor. I didn’t think we would find a place to dance, but a suitable area suddenly opened up for us, and
my mystery woman just pulled me close to her. Anya and I loved going to this particular club, because
the DJ always did a perfect mix of new and old school Rap, R&B, and Reggae. And as soon as we were
on the dance floor, “Murder She Wrote” came on. It was one of my favourite songs, so I lit up and
started grinding my hips.
My mystery woman smiled, watching me lose myself to the music. I felt her hands grab my hips and
pull me close, and I moved with her, placing an arm around her neck. Something about reggae just
makes you want to act as sexual as you can. All of a sudden, you are moving parts of your body you
hardly paid attention to before, and whoever you are dancing with is the audience to your solo sexual
tease. And I was happy with the audience I had. I didn’t allow myself to get as raunchy as I knew I
could get, opting to keep some innocence, but I wanted to overheat her just a little bit.
We danced a few more songs together, until the DJ switched up to Rap again. Laughing, I stopped
dancing and led her back to where she found me. I picked up my drink and took a sip.
“You need to learn to behave yourself when you dance.” I told her, knowing the alcohol was getting to
me.
“And what makes you say that?” She asked me.
“You and your busy hands.”
“You liked my busy hands.”
I just smiled, knowing she was right. “Maybe I wanted to get to know you better before your hands
got so busy.”
She was silent for a moment, and I could tell that she was sizing me up. In the silence, I decided to
smoke a cigarette. She immediately produced a lighter, lighting my cigarette for me.
“You got a girl?” She asked.
I shook my head. “Not yet. You?”
“No.”
“Good.” I said.
She smirked making me remember what attracted me to her in the first place. Damn, that smile was
hot.
“Give me your number.” She said.
I shook my head. “Uh-uh. Give me yours.”
She chuckled. But I watched her pull a pen out of her pocket and she scribbled her number on a
napkin. “And who shall I expect to call?”
I took the napkin, folding it carefully before I pocketed it. “Astoria.”
“Astoria?” She asked. Then she smiled. “Cute.”
“And who am I calling?” I asked.
She took my hand, lifting it to her lips. After the gentle kiss that I could feel all the way to my toes,
she winked at me. “Dre. Don’t take too long to call me.” Then she turned and walked away.
And I stood there, in awe. I watched as she gave daps to people on her way out, and realized I wasn’t
dealing with just anyone. Just how people seemed to literally make room around her. She was
special. I patted the napkin in my pocket before going back to the dance floor.
I didn’t call her for two days. I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to seem desperate. And I wasn’t calling for
a full conversation either. I had a routine that I lived by. If you get a number, you wait two days
before making the initial call. And you call to just say hello, verifying the number and the person you
met match. Remind them that they gave you their number, say a quick hello, and schedule a time to
actually talk. Ever since I started dating, I lived by this plan, and it always worked out well for me.
Dre was haunting me. Regardless of whatever I did, I couldn’t get those eyes and that smile out of
my mind. I practically forced myself not to call her the first day, going to a movie and dinner when I
really wasn’t in the mood. The second day was easier; I had two finals, and a few professors I had to
speak with. I didn’t make it back to my room until almost 5 o’clock, and I was practically drained. My
head hurt from thinking too much, my feet hurt from running around campus, and all I wanted to do
was rest my head for a moment before my whirlwind night of partying started.
But as soon as I stepped into the room, Dre was the first thing on my mind. I was in the clear; I could
finally call.
The napkin with her number on it was in my nightstand, and I quickly retrieved it and calmed myself
before I called.
“Hello?” It was her---I couldn’t forget that voice anywhere.
“Hi, Dre, this is Astoria.”
“Astoria? Oh yeah, from the other night. Didn’t think I’d hear from you. Thought I told you not to
take too long to call.”
“I’m in college, I get busy.” I said as I sat on my bed. Just go through the routine, just say you
wanted to touch base, and you’ll call her later.
“Busy girls need some down time.” I heard some rustling on her end, then she asked, “What are you
doing right now?”
“Um, resting. I had some finals today.”
“You go to Anderson, right?”
“Uh, yeah…how did you know?”
“Meet me in front of the campus library in one hour. Wear something nice and warm.” Then she was
gone.
I stared at the phone, hearing the dial tone and I was in shock. How did she know where I went to
school? Why did it feel like she had been expecting my call? And who in the world did she think she
was just telling me meet her without expecting some kind of agreement? Did she think I didn’t have a
life? That I could just drop everything for her?
Hell the fuck no. I wasn’t some dog that would just come if you snap your fingers. I wasn’t going to
let her play me like I was some punk. My shock turned to anger, and I hung up the phone, laying on
my bed in defiance. She could go fuck herself. I wasn’t about to jump just because she said so.
I decided to get comfortable, changing into some sweats, and turned on the small television Anya and
I bought together. Cartoon Network. Whenever I wanted to calm down, I turned on a cartoon and
laughed my troubles away.
But the clock kept ticking. Loudly. And against my will, my eyes kept shifting towards to clock. It was
twenty to six. Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes, Dre would pull up in front of the library and realize
that I was an independent woman who did not respond well to being ordered.
Nineteen minutes. She’d realize how foolish she was to speak to me that way. And she’d feel guilty
and stupid.
Eighteen minutes. Maybe I’ll call her in a few days. Make up some excuse, some emergency came up.
But she won’t care. She’ll be so grateful to hear my voice that she’d apologize all over the place and
ask me to give her another chance.
Seventeen minutes. To believe, she had the audacity to actually tell me to be ready. Not even ask.
How dare she? Who did she think she was?
Sixteen minutes. Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Maybe I’m better off not knowing her. I mean,
would you really want to get with a person that had that kind of personality? Didn’t she realize what
era it was? Women today didn’t have to put up with that bullshit. We deserved people to treat us
with dignity. And just because she was a woman and a lesbian didn’t mean I was going to expect any
differently.
Fifteen minutes. I finally screamed out of aggravation and jumped to my feet. I ran to my closet,
pulling out whatever suitable outfit I could think of. Nice and warm, nice and warm. Wool boot-cut
grey pants, and a black sleeveless turtleneck. Good, good, good. I pulled out a pair of black boots,
matching purse, and laid out my makeup before I ran down the hall to the bathroom.
What was I doing? I should still be comfortably in my bed, watching television, and planning my fun
night. Not rushing through a shower at top speed. I washed everything that was necessary, and half-
naked, ran back to my room to get dressed.
Five minutes. I now had mastered the art of putting on my makeup while getting dressed. I secured
my hair in a ponytail, grabbed my purse, dumped everything I needed in it, then ran out of my room.
By the time I made it to the library, my watch read 5:59pm. I had made it. I somehow managed to be
dressed, ready, and on time in less than fifteen minutes. I made a mental note to never, never
confess this to anyone I dated.
And at 6 o’clock, the black SUV appeared out of nowhere and pulled up. I watched Dre get out, and
walk around the front of the vehicle to wear I stood.
“You look great.” She said.
I look great? That’s it? No, hello, thank you for meeting me at such short notice, none of that? I had
half a mind to just turn around and walk back to my dorm.
But, of course, I just smiled. “Thank you. You too.” I had to admit that she looked nice. As if we
had similar minds, she wore black slacks, and a grey and black knit sweater. Her hair had been re-
braided, still cornrows, but with these Aztec type designs. Damn, her hair was long. “So where are
we going?”
“It’s a surprise.” She opened the passenger side, and helped me up and inside the SUV. I couldn’t
help but notice the Cadillac monogram on the side. “Do you like seafood?”
“Yeah, I do.” I admitted. Lobster was actually a big weakness for me. But you never, NEVER admit
your ultimate favourite foods on the first date. Especially if they are expensive. Your date will think
you’re some gold-digger, and unless you are, you definitely don’t want anyone to assume that about
you, or you’ll get absolutely nowhere.
“Have you ever been to Nina’s?” She asked starting the engine.
“Don’t think so.”
“It’s wonderful. The best seafood I’ve ever had---except for when I was in the Bahamas.”
“You’ve been to the Bahamas?” I asked her.
“Yep.”
“My roommate and I are going to Jamaica after graduation. I can’t wait.”
Dre pulled away from the curb. “You’re a senior?”
“Yes.” I replied. See, if we had gone with my plan, she would have already known this before our first
actual date.
“What’s your major?”
“Fashion design.”
She grinned. “No kidding? You like making clothes?”
“No kidding. One day, you will see my designs on a runway. I will be famous.”
She chuckled. “I don’t doubt it. You seem like a woman who knows what she wants.”
“And how is it that you know that about me? You hardly know me.”
Dre just shrugged. “Let’s just say I have good taste. And any woman I like, has a good head on her
shoulders.”
Good one, good one. She was smooth. I just nodded and sat back in my comfy seat. Was this
leather? Goddamn, who was this woman?
“So, are you in school?” I asked, knowing full well she wasn’t.
She shook her head. “Nah, just work.”
“What do you do?” I asked.
She smiled. “Construction. I love building houses. And I do other odds and ends on the side.”
I just nodded. It didn’t add up, but I wasn’t going to pry. I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.
Nina’s turned out to be a quaint restaurant, nestled on the edge of a fishing town that was about an
hour away in the next state. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, my first thought was
wondering how Dre had found it. But as soon as we stepped inside, I forgot all about that. I swear to
God, it was like we stepped into some movie. We were given one of the best tables, beside a huge
picture window with a view of the ocean. The waitress seemed to have been hovering near us,
because she would appear as if by magic if we ever needed her. And Dre was on point with the menu.
She had me try oysters for the first time, which, I have to add that I didn’t want to even look at, at
first, but I decided to have an open mind and tried it, and it was wonderful. The lobster---that Dre
insisted I had to order because it was her favourite as well---was so good that it had me in tears.
Conversation was minimal. We discussed the necessities, but I could tell that she was holding back.
Her mannerisms, the way her eyes seemed to always be on the lookout. She was a woman with a lot
of secrets. And for some strange reason, that only appealed to me more.
After dinner, Dre left the SUV in the parking lot and took my hand as we walked along the quiet
beach. With the moon and seagulls as our only audience, Dre started to talk. I learned that she was
twenty-five and was the middle child of three, to a single mother who worked two jobs. Or, I should
say, she used to. Once Dre got on her own feet, she made sure that her mother, Lorelei, who was
now sickly, didn’t have to work again. I asked about her siblings. Her older sister, Marlene, lived out in
California and didn’t have much to do with the family anymore. And her younger brother, Antoine, was
still in elementary school.
“If I ever had a child, it would be him. He’s my heart.” She confessed. “I make sure he stays out of
trouble so my moms won’t have to endure any more shit.”
I just nodded. “He’s a problem?”
She shook her head. “Nah, just stubborn that’s all. A lot like me. But he won’t have the
opportunities that I had, so I look out for him.”
“Can’t you just teach him what was taught to you?”
I could feel her stiffen. “He doesn’t need to know all that. Let’s just say that my opportunities aren’t
for everyone. As long as he sticks with the books and goes to college, he’ll be alright.”
I knew when to stop prying, so I just changed the subject. By the time we made it back to the SUV, I
felt more comfortable in her company. Somehow, she managed to open up a bit and let me get to
know who she was, without really telling too much. And I respected that.
Dre had me back at the dorms before midnight. As I was getting out of the SUV, she grabbed my
hand.
“I want to see you again.” She said simply.
“I’d like that.”
She leaned forward and gently kissed my lips, and I felt my nipples harden at the contact. With one
kiss? Damn.
“I’ll call you.” She told me. I had already given her my number.
I just nodded as I closed the door. As soon as she took off, I lit a cigarette, and slowly walked back
towards my dorm building. Something about her was so damn attractive yet mysterious. I wasn’t
sure what it was, but I promised myself I would soon.
From that day on, my life was total chaos---but in a good way. Shocking my friends and myself, I
ended up seeing Dre three more times that week. Usually, I don’t stick to one person like that. I
loved my freedom and would just date people instead of inching towards anything exclusive. And
spending a lot of time with one person may give them the impression that having something exclusive
can be an option. But for some reason I just really enjoyed the time I spent with Dre. How I found
the time, I have no idea. Dre was supportive though. One day, after my last class, I was heading
towards the library to do some research. I had made plans with Dre earlier, but had to cancel them,
because my professor had thrown the class a curveball of a last minute assignment. Dre had sounded
disappointed, but had understood. But as I turned the corner to walk into the library, I saw her SUV
parked out front.
Walking up to the vehicle, I met her grin with a cynical smile. She was reclined in her seat, and
smoking a blunt of all things---and in broad daylight. The girl was crazy. “What are you doing here?”
She gave a big, dramatic sigh. “I realized that I couldn’t have you just drown yourself in these musty
books studying. No fun for you and definitely no fun for me.”
I shook my head as a I chuckled. “Well, I DO have to study though.”
She winked. “I know. But I got an alternative. Hop in.”
Against my better judgment, I got in beside her, snatching the blunt from her and took my own puff,
as she took off. She drove me to her loft, which was on the other side of town. And there, she let
me have free reign on her computer so I could use the Internet and study. And while I studied, she
cooked dinner for us. And even had the nerve to go over my research notes to critique them.
“And what makes you such an expert on this?” I asked as I cut into my steak. Damn, she was good.
It was like cutting butter.
“Construction wasn’t always my dream, you know.” She said as she made a mark on my paper. “At
one point, I actually wanted to be an English teacher.”
“Well, why didn’t you?”
She shrugged. “Things happen. It’s too late for me now, but at least you can benefit from my
expertise.” Then she winked.
Dre was a complete and utter mystery to me. Every time I swore she’d turn right, she’d go left. A lot
of things just weren’t adding up about her. At first, I thought she was just some regular Joe,
probably did a little petty crime stuff when she was younger. She seemed to be like all the other thugs
from the neighbourhood---cuz no offense, but male or female, almost all the thugs in our
neighbourhood were similar. But then she’d initiate the most intellectual conversations I’d ever have in
my life, inside or outside of the classroom. I soon learned the Dre wasn’t only street smart, but book
smart as well. On my many visits to her loft, I found a lot of English and French literature, poetry, and
sociology and psychology textbooks. I had no doubt in my mind that she was as intelligent as each of
my professors. But for some reason, she just didn’t apply what she had to make herself better. Not
that she needed to, mind you. But it’s not every day that you meet a construction worker that will
debate with you for over two hours on the accuracy of George Orwell’s book, “1984”. I know
professors who haven’t even read the book.
Maybe it just wasn’t that she was a smart woman who still lived around the ghetto that made her a
mystery to me. Maybe it was how she made me feel. For the first time in my life, I actually found
myself wanting to spend time with someone…romantically. As much as I loved women, they could be
complicated sometimes. And while I was in school, I didn’t want to get distracted with relationships.
Let’s go on a date, have fun, and heck, if we end up in bed, all the more better---but definitely nothing
more than that. I saw Anya’s many attempts, and I just decided I would wait until I was somewhat
settled in my career before I would go that route.
But Dre just had me feeling differently. When I was with her, I felt like a princess. She made me feel
alive, important, special, and down right sexy. Through her eyes, I saw life a different way. Life wasn’t
always the pretty peaches that my parents had tried to make it be. Life could be cold and heartless.
But if you were strong enough, you could survive it. And Dre had accomplished that, and it just made
me admire her all the more. And when I wasn’t with her, I felt empty, sad, and so damn alone. I
found myself thinking about her when she wasn’t around. Wondering what she was doing, who she
was with, if she was thinking about me. I would actually be counting the days until I could see that
damn smile again. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d think I was really beginning to really like this woman.
And what was even stranger was the fact that I wouldn’t let her touch me. Not that I’m easy, but
usually if I’m on a third or fourth date with a woman, we’ve already slept together. But for some
reason, I couldn’t go to that level with Dre yet. Not to say that she hasn’t tried. Oh, no, Dre can be
the most creative person when it comes to trying to get into a woman’s panties. She was epitome of
sensuality. With just one look, that woman could make me wet my panties, no lie. And when she
kisses, you feel like you’re flying. Every moment is like gliding on air, feeling the rush wash over your
entire body and you become lightheaded. And there’s this edge of danger that teases your lips,
tingling your senses, right down to your very toes.
And I amaze myself every single night that I’m able to deny her. And Dre always gives this cute, sad
puppy look when she realizes that I’m serious.
“You are a wicked tease.” She said to me one time. “How can you expect me to remember you’re a
lady, when you walk the way that you do? Girl, have you ever seen your ass? It’s a sin itself to want
me to not touch you.”
I smiled. “You better try your best.”
“You’re gonna give in you know. I can see it in your eyes. You want me as much as I want you.”
I kissed the tip of her nose. “When the time is right. I promise.”
And she always relented and never pressured me. I think, in a way, she loved the teasing as well. And
I had to admit, I never thought about it before, but teasing can be a beautiful thing when you adore
the person.
When my graduation came around, it was a pretty much done deal that Dre and I were becoming
quite an item. I was spending most of my time between school, studying, and Dre. I wasn’t able to
really find time for other things.
First, let me say that I should have seen it coming. Anyone who has a close friend should see it
coming. Especially if you live with her. You can’t just spend the majority of your time with someone
new and not have it affect the person you used to spend all your time with. Yes, I’ll admit it; I was an
idiot.
It was a little past midnight, and I had just walked in from another date with Dre. I was still a little
high, and I could hear my bed calling for me. I found Anya on her bed, watching television. When she
saw me, she rolled her eyes.
“Oh, you finally decided to come home?”
Aw, shit, not now. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” She sat up, crossing her arms under her breasts. “Hello, Astoria. Do you
remember me? Anya Townsend, your roommate, best friend, future travel partner for next week.
Does any of this ring a bell?”
“Yes, yes, yes, what’s going on?” Why, why, why? Anya knew me. She knew I was high, why mess
with someone while they’re high? That’s just…cruel.
“Astoria, I hardly see you anymore! You’re never around, you run from your classes straight to
wherever, and you spend all of your free time with Dre…”
“So that’s it. You think I’m spending too much time with Dre and not enough time with you.”
“Well, duh!” She cried. “What do you need, a rock to fall on your head or something?”
I rolled my eyes. “Give me a break, Anya. Whenever you get serious about some guy, you’re MIA as
well.”
Anya got to her feet. “This is different. Dre is different.”
“And why is that? Why is Dre so different from the guys you date, except for the obvious.”
“I just don’t trust her, that’s all.” Anya said. “Listen, there are a lot of people you can hook up with.
Why does it have to be her?”
Now, I was getting upset. “Why not her? Anya, Dre is a wonderful person. I like being with her. She’
s fun, caring, intelligent, and independent. What more can I ask?”
“Independent.” Anya muttered. “Yeah, whatever.”
My eyes narrowed as I glared at her. “And what does that mean?”
“Are you a complete idiot or what?”
I could feel my blood starting to boil. Oh yeah, I had definitely sobered up now. “Be careful of the
words you use.” I said through clenched teeth.
“Believe me, I’m using the right words.” She started to pace. “Are you gonna stand there and tell me
that you don’t realize who Dre is?”
“Besides a human being, I’m at a loss.”
“Come on, Astoria! What construction worker do you know can afford a brand fucking new Cadillac
Escalade and a Cadillac Deville in the same year? Do you see the clothes she wears? Or how about her
jewelry? When was the last time you saw a construction worker wearing iced-out platinum?”
“So she has expensive tastes, that doesn’t mean anything. Some people do save money for the
things they really want, you know? And construction workers can make good money.”
Anya shook her head as she opened a window. She sat in the chair before it, and lit a cigarette.
“Astoria, you are so blinded. I seriously thought that you were just gonna mess around with her for a
little bit then let her go like you do the others. That’s why I didn’t say anything to you before. But for
some reason, it’s like you don’t see what’s in front of you, and you’re actually interested in her.”
“Jesus, Anya. Stop with the games and just talk. What is it about Dre that you don’t like.”
“She’s a fucking dealer, Astoria! She sells trees.”
I just stared at her. “What do you mean? She sells a little weed?” I chuckled. “Who fucking doesn’
t? Didn’t you date Danny? Isn’t Danny one of the people you buy from? Anya, you yourself sell weed
when we go to the club sometimes, it’s no big deal.”
Anya shook her head. “Danny can’t even compare to Dre. Not even in his wildest dreams can he
compare to Dre.”
I sat on my bed slowly. “What do you know?”
She sighed. “Dre is big. How big, I don’t know, but big enough that she’s one of the biggest
suppliers in this city. She’s top shit around here. It’s a fucking chain of command, Astoria, and she’s
on top. She got mad heads underneath her. She deals with various heads, who deal to other people,
who deal to other people. Shit, that last person supplies to all the small assholes we get our shit
from, even Danny.”
“How do you know all this?”
She sighed. “Danny. I was curious about how he got started and he told me.” She gave me a
pointed look. “But none of what I say to you can ever leave this room, okay? He was an idiot for
telling me in the first place, and the only reason I’m telling you is so you can smarten up.”
I just nodded absentmindedly.
“Honey, that’s why I broke it off with Danny. He was getting to be too much for me. When you end
up dealing so much that you’re actually making some money from it, that’s when you get hot. Most
just do it so they can smoke for free. Danny’s talking about buying a Jetta. Cash. This time last
year, I had to pay for dinner if I wanted to eat out with him.”
I didn’t know what to say. It didn’t seem possible to me. I mean, if Dre sold weed, who cared? I
smoked weed, so hell---perfect relationship right there. But if she was as big as Anya said she was…it
meant she could be trouble.
“I’m not saying she’s a bad person.” Anya finally said. “Just that I think you’re getting in over your
head here, that’s all. Hell, honey, you may be tough, but deep down you’re as innocent as they
come. It’s too dangerous.”
I just nodded, feeling my eyes beginning to water. I wasn’t sure what hurt most: the fact that Dre
didn’t even hint anything about this to me, or the fact that Anya was right and I’d have to stop seeing
Dre.
I didn’t waste any time. Not my style. The next day, I jumped the gun and took the bus over to Dre’
s loft. Graduation was the next day, I obviously had no classes and Dre was supposed to be at work.
I don’t know what I was planning on doing when I got there. I knew that if Dre truly wasn’t home, I
wanted to be there when she arrived after work. I didn’t want to play any games, I wanted straight
answers.
I walked into the lobby of the building, and took the elevator up to the top floor. As soon as I
stepped out of the elevator, Dre’s door opened and she stood in the doorway, wearing a tank, boxer
shorts, and a robe, smoking a cigarette.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked.
“I could ask you the same thing.” She countered; her voice still had traces of sleep.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
She nodded and stepped aside, letting me inside. Out of nervousness, I lit my own cigarette before I
even sat on the sofa.
Dre walked over to the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room area. I watched her pour a
drink. “You gonna tell me what’s up?”
“What makes you think something’s up?” I asked her. My hands were getting clammy. Why in the
blue hell do I get so nervous around her?
“It’s almost nine in the morning on the day before you graduate college. You have no classes, no
appointments, and you’re awake and here on your own.” She downed the shot quickly. “So
something’s up.”
“Do you deal?” I decided to just come out with it.
Dre just stared at me calmly for a moment, then she ran her fingers through her braids and sighed.
She grabbed another glass, then poured some of the amber liquid into both. She brought the glasses
into the living room area, handed me a glass, then sat down in the easy chair opposite me.
“I haven’t known you for very long,” She began, “but I know that you’re the kind of woman I’d want in
my life. I pride myself on being able to know and surround myself with people I can trust. That’s how
I’ve been able to survive this long. I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices in my life. But I have only one
goal that keeps me going. And that’s to make sure that my moms, my little brother, and I can make
it. By any means necessary. No apologies. I am what I am. This is the only way I knew how to be
successful, and it’s worked for me, and I’m cool with it.”
“Don’t you want better?” I asked. “Dre, you are an intelligent woman. You are so damn talented,
why don’t you just do something else?”
“I ain’t gonna change, baby.” She said softly. “Now, I’ve gone through this conversation with my
mother, and I know how it turns out. I made my choice a long time ago, and I’m not changing my
mind. So before you start a whole speech or something, just save it, please.”
I stiffened. “Fine.” I got to my feet, setting the glass on the coffee table. “You’ve made your choice,
and I’m making mine.”
I made it all the way to the front door praying she wouldn’t say anything. Just stay silent Dre, and let
me walk out the door, out of your life, and out of any chance of heart ache I know I’d endure in the
future with you. But as soon as my hand touched the knob, I heard her slam the glass on the table.
“I don’t get to trust that many people in my life, Astoria.” Her voice was shaking. “And I’ve never met
someone that I wanted to trust. I mean really trust. I want to trust you.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You wanna hear me say it, Astoria? That I want you in my life? That I need you in my life? That as
soon as I first lay eyes on you in that car, I saw how beautiful you are. And not just because you’re
attractive, but the person that you are. Baby, you got this way about you that just hypnotizes me.
The way you look at me is like catching me in this web, and all I want to do is just hold you, be with
you, and take care of you. I can’t force you to be with me, but I want you to. I’ve never wanted
someone in my life like this before, and I do. And it’s you.”
“And what am I supposed to do? Just ignore it?” I asked, still facing the door, feeling a tear run down
my cheek at her words. A woman always wants to hear those words. And damn her for saying them
before my big exit.
“No. But I want you to accept me. See me, just Dre, for who I am. Not what I do.”
Not fair. Not fucking fair. I hardly knew her. Barely a fucking month. No fucking fair that she was
able to get to me like this. No fucking fair that I could feel this deeply for her so soon. “You should
have told me.”
“I’m not perfect. I never pretended that I was. But it’s not like I could just tell you something like
that. I can’t just let anyone know what I do.”
I didn’t say anything. I just stared at that door telling myself to open it. Ordering myself actually.
Just walk out. It’s for the best. Anya was right. This was dangerous territory that I had absolutely
no business in. Astoria, just walk out that door and don’t look back.
I then heard her sigh. And it sounded so defeated.
Damn, damn, damn.
I don’t know what came over me. But for some reason I turned around and just looked at her. And
for the first time, I really got to see her. I got to see just how alone she was. How beaten she
looked. She wasn’t always the tough Dre that she shows everyone. Right now, she was vulnerable.
This was the same woman who stayed up late to help me write papers, who listened to me while I
worried, who always seemed to magically be there for me whenever I called.
And against every voice in my head that spoke, I walked over to Dre and took the glass out of her
hand. She looked up at me, just as I lowered myself onto her lap and placed my arm around her neck.
“I see you.” I said softly. “And I ain’t going anywhere.”
Dre wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly, as I felt her body shake. For the first
time in my life, I watched her cry. She buried her face in my chest and just cried. I stayed silent and
just held her feeling the tears run freely down my face as well. I kissed the top of her head and just
closed my eyes. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but my heart was telling me that I
needed to be with her. And for the first time, I was going to listen. She needed me. And maybe I
needed her too, who knows. But for some reason we were being pulled towards each other. And in
my heart, this felt right.
Dre tipped her head back and looked at me through her tears.
“It’s too soon, I know. But I feel like I love you, girl.”
I just nodded. “I feel the same way.”
Our eyes met and it was as if lightening struck. God, it’s a sin for someone to have eyes like that. I
could see the need and lust in her eyes and I knew that she wanted me. And when her lips touched
mine, I could feel myself start to take flight. But this time was different. I had this urge to be as close
to her as possible. Damn, this was it. This was the moment I was waiting for. I placed her hand over
my breast, and when she pulled her head back and our eyes met again, I just nodded.
I let her stand me up, and felt her hands unbuttoning my dress, and I found my own hands pulling
her tank and shorts off. I had never had this urgency before. This need to be touched, to be kissed,
to be caressed. Every time Dre’s fingers touched my skin, it felt like an erotic burn. We somehow
managed to fall onto the sofa, kissing so hard, my lips felt like they were going to bruise.
Dre slid down to the floor, pulling me to the edge of the sofa as she spread my legs. She leaned
forward kissing my lips again and I wrapped my legs around her waist, pulling her close to me.
Her lips found my neck, and I moaned at the exquisite feel of it. I was running my fingers through
her braids, realizing just how wet I was, and how wet I was making her sofa. Her lips left my neck,
trailing down my chest, until she met one of my nipples. She let her tongue snake out and gave my
nipple a slow lick. She then sucked it into her mouth, holding it gently between her teeth as she gave
it fast licks with the tip of her tongue, making me moan loudly.
“I want it.” She whispered huskily. “Now.”
I sat up, ready to kiss her, but she pushed me back. She pulled herself away from me, raising my
legs even higher, resting them on her shoulders. Then she slid her hands under my ass, getting a
good grip, then she literally lifted my ass up and off the sofa until my pussy was at her level. I was
only touching the sofa by my upper back, but I didn’t panic, because she had a good grip on me.
Then I felt her mouth on my pussy and I just sighed. She literally devoured me. Her nails digging into
my flesh, I felt her tongue slide deep into me, and I cried out. She was being so aggressive with me,
at first I thought I should stop her, but my better half just told me to enjoy.
And did I ever. The entire morning she had me calling out her name. We made love, then fell away
exhausted. At some point, I realized I was thirsty and had walked to the kitchen to fetch us some
drinks, when I felt Dre come up behind me and her lips kissing the back of my shoulders. I felt her
hand on my shoulder, pressing me down, and I bent forward till my breasts lay on the counter before
me. Then I heard her drop to her knees behind me, spreading my legs wide, and her fingers were
swiftly inside me, filling me. God this was fucking amazing.
“Wider.” She said, forcing my legs even farther apart. Then I felt her lips on me, and I just closed
my eyes relishing in the feel of this. I never knew that sex could feel this good.
I reached out to grab the other end of the counter for leverage when I felt Dre stand behind me. Her
hands grasped my hips, and I felt something being pushed inside of me.
“Oh, shit…” I moaned.
“You like that baby?” She whispered in my ear. I felt her pull her toy out of me partway, then push
back inside making me moan again.
“Yes.”
“I can’t hear you.”
“Yes!”
Dre pulled out of me, quickly spun me around and lifted me on top of the counter. Just as quickly,
she was back between my legs, and inside me.
“I need you.” Her breathless voice said before kissing my neck. I wrapped my legs around her waist,
gripping her back. “I need you…with me.”
I was gasping with every thrust. “Dre…”
She was moving her hips faster, and I could feel the power in her as she made love to me. This was
not to be a gentle fucking. I held onto her as tightly as I could as she pounded into me. Never had I
thought such roughness could feel so good.
Dre’s lips found my neck, and I felt her teeth sink into my skin and I moaned so loud. Suddenly she
lifted me away from the counter, and was supporting me on her own, practically impaling me. I was
about to cum and I knew it. My nails were digging into her skin, and I was biting so hard on my
bottom lip I was probably drawing blood. Everything soon went hot white as this catastrophic feeling
seized my body, and I went rigid. Dre continued to fuck me hard until I heard her moaning my name
loudly. We gripped each other, gasping for breath, until she started to slow down.
I don’t know where she found the strength, because after an orgasm, I’m sometimes dead to the
world. But with my legs still around her, Dre carried me down the hall to her bedroom, where we fell
asleep in each other’s arms.
The last thing that Dre whispered to me before I fell asleep was, “Never leave me…”
And I answered back. “Never.”
Was it love? I don’t know. No one has ever been able to explain to me what love was. Everyone
has his or her own idea or theory, but no one can really pinpoint the exact emotion that love is.
Everyone says you’ll know when you’re in it. And I honestly felt that whatever it was that I felt for Dre
had to be love. Or at least, damn near it. I hope it was. Because it helped propel me to do the
unthinkable.
To Be Continued...
